In this newsletter Iâm going to explain to you how to realise ultimate wellbeing as your default mode.
No more scrolling Netflix, desperate to find something thatâll fill the empty void carved out of you by the stresses and struggles of life.
No more relying on alcohol to dull your self-doubt so you can have a conversation without worrying about saying something stupid.
No more tensions with friends, family or co-workers as you wish they could see your perspective and understand you.
Just unshakeable wellbeing in all your lifeâs circumstances.
Good news: this wellbeing isâand always has beenâyour true nature. You donât have to do anything to cook it up. You donât even have to train yourself to maintain it.
âWellbeingâ, for us, means clarity, peace and satisfaction that doesnât depend upon anything.
This is what youâve been trying to achieve with everything youâve ever doneâ
đč Every subject youâve studied
đč Every job youâve worked
đč Every person youâve befriended
đč Every partner youâve romanced
đč Every hobby youâve pursued
The essential reason youâve engaged in all these things is to be satisfied.
But as long as your satisfactionâyour wellbeingâdepends upon something then youâre trapped.
When you depend upon something for your wellbeing then you must have that thing to be okay. Problem is, things come and go.
You can do better. So read on to discover the 3-step process I synthesized from personal development, Buddhism and neuropsychology.
But first, let me walk you through a life-changing flip of perspectiveâŠ
The Biggest Bait & Switch In History
My earliest memories are full of parents and schoolteachers telling me what to do.
They were very good at that, but awful at telling me why I should do what they commanded.
Sound familiar?
This was a source of endless frustration for me. I was the kid who would ask âwhy? Why? Why?â to the limit of peopleâs patience. Eventually theyâd tell me to âjust be quietâ or distract me with food or TV. Ten-out-of-ten guidance, folks đ
(Spoiler alert: my sister ended up morbidly obese and I ended up addicted to video games.)
The sad truth is the grown-ups didnât know the answers to my questions.
It would take me 25 years to find the answers I so desperately wanted.
Meanwhile, the grown-ups were doing all they could to train me into their way of doing things. This depended upon a deep-rooted belief thatâs at the core of Judeo-Christian culture: the belief that weâre born unworthy and must whip ourselves into shape to become worthy.
Worthy of what? Well, if you ask in church theyâll tell you âworthy of heavenâ.
Now, you may think to yourself, âthatâs okay, my parents werenât religiousâ.
I wish I could tell you this belief was held only by religious folks. But religion and culture were pretty much the same thing until 60 years agoâand weâre still suffering the hangover.
So even those of us with non-religious parents were trained to believe we had to âprove our worthâ. Only instead of heaven, we were told to prove we were worthy ofâ
đč Affection
đč Good grades
đč A good college
đč A good job
đč Good money
đč A good home
đč A good romantic partner
đč A good retirement
đč Happiness
We were told that if we didnât prove our worth then weâd fall off the bottom rung of societyâs ladder. Note: this isnât the same as becoming a criminal. This belief says that if you do nothing youâll be unworthy by default.
Of course, no-one says it like that because theyâve never articulated it to themselves. This is an unconscious cultural bias, and the presence of this bias is one of the things that bothered me greatly as a childâeven though I didnât yet understand it.
Cut to 25 years later: Iâm exploring spirituality for stress relief. Iâm hearing countless gurus say that it leads to freedom, peace, happiness, etc. Youâve probably heard these promises.
It sounds too good to be true but I keep exploring. I experiment with guided meditations; I read; I listen to endless dharma talks. But somethingâs still not quite right. It would take further years for me to put a finger on this, but eventually I realised somethingâ
These spiritual teachings promise freedom but are really still about whipping yourself into shape.
They say things like:
đč âTrain yourself to access states of deep concentration.â
đč âPractice with great effort to realise enlightenment [in the future].â
đč âCultivate wholesome qualities (i.e. compassion).â
đč âFollow our process of gradual spiritual attainment.â
đč âGo on intensive meditation retreats of increasing length.â
đč âAbandon your family and ordain as a monk.â
Oh look, itâs that unconscious bias again: youâre not good enough as you are.
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This directly contradicts the core ingredients of any genuine wisdom teaching. Ingredients likeâ
đč States come and go and therefore canât be relied upon
đč The future is a figment of your imagination
đč Wholesomeness is your natural condition, not something that can be contrived
đč Thereâs no permanent âselfâ who can âattainâ anythingâspiritual or otherwise
đč Meditation doesnât earn you magic enlightenment points
đč You donât need your circumstances to be any particular way
Hereâs the clincher: as long as youâre trying to change yourself youâre like a dog chasing its tail. And it doesnât matter whether the changes youâre trying to make are worldly changes (like trying to be more employable), or âspiritualâ changes (like trying to be more calm).
Buddhism 101: thereâs no such thing as a personal identity. Your identity is just a bunch of thoughts. And as long as you try to change those thoughts youâre missing the real wisdom thatâs hidden in plain sight.
This is the biggest bait and switch in historyâ
- The world demands you whip yourself into shape
- Spiritual teachings promise freedom
- Spiritual teachings demand you whip yourself into shape
But wait, I have good news for youâŠ
The Treasure Is Hidden In Plain Sight
There are three wisdom teachings Iâm aware of that cut (most of) the crap and get right to the point: real freedom, to be realized right now.
Theyâre all ancient and so have their cultural baggage, but itâs easy enough to strip that away.
These three teachings areâ
đč Advaita Vedanta (a teaching within Hinduism)
đč Zen
đč Dzogchen (the pinnacle teaching from Tibet)
The common theme of these teachings is nonduality.
âNondualityâ means âwithout boundariesâ.
To live without boundaries is to be free of dissatisfaction.
Good news: the drawing of any boundary is a mental process that you can simply not do. But this wonât seem simple, and there are two reasons whyâ
- Survival
- Conditioning
We Don't Live In The Jungle AnymoreâLet's Stop Acting Like We Do
For our distant ancestors, calling out an invader from a rival tribe was a matter of life or death. Their vigilance became so ingrained that it survives in us today.
In 2023 weâre long past throwing spears at each other. Yet still thereâs this lingering fear. We now call it social anxiety.
But fearâanxietyâcan only survive as long as you draw boundaries in your mind, and you can learn how to stop doing that.
This is what mindfulness is really aboutâseeing things as they are without imaginary boundaries, labels, judgements, interpretations. And once you glimpse the freedom this brings for yourself, youâll be convinced itâs worthwhile.
This, of course, is not an additive process, but a subtractive one. In other words, youâre not learning to do good stuff. Rather, youâre learning to stop doing bad stuff. This brings us back to that bait and switch I was talking about earlier.
Society was built on the assumption that weâre all born in a position of lack, and must add to ourselves to be okayâ
đč Add knowledge
đč Add achievements
đč Add status
đč Add material wealth
Wisdom teachers showed up throughout history to disrupt that model. They said, instead, that we must only subtract from ourselves to be okayâ
đč Subtract assumptions
đč Subtract striving
đč Subtract ego
đč Subtract desire
But then those wise teachers died, and followers couldnât help but revert to their base instincts. So we were right back to adding to ourselves againâ
đč Add rules
đč Add wholesome qualities
đč Add spiritual attainment
đč Add hierarchical organisation
This is how religions were born.
The Most Important Choice You'll Ever Make
There are two hypotheses on which you can continue your investigationâ
a. Youâre corrupted by default and must become pure
b. Youâre pure by default but were corrupted by conditioning
Like everyone else, I spent a lot of time with option a. It was irresistible. Like so much of what holds us back from the life of wellbeing we all deserve, it was an unconscious assumption. But it didnât lead to freedom.
So I continued to look at the depression and anxiety in the world; the selfishness and desire that comes from following the common narrative. I looked at those things within myself, and finally decided to give option b a try.
It was counter-intuitive. It was difficult to let go of the comfort that comes from continuing with a long-held unconscious belief. But as I reminded myself of my new hypothesisâand tested it in my direct experienceâI started to glimpse the freedom Iâd been seeking for years.
Previously, Iâd prepare for a difficult conversation by doing a meditation. And Iâd repeat mantra during the conversation. These practices were wholesome butâin the endâunnecessary. They might have been necessary if my natural state were rotten and I needed to whip myself into shape, but I didnât.
Noâmy natural state is clear, stable, compassionate and wise. Excellent qualities to bring to any conversation! And as I tested the truth of this with the technique Iâll share below, I confirmed it more and more.
Previously I ran a long, detailed to-do list for my business. I wrote down every task I had to tackle in fear that I might forget it. And I wrote detailed notes and set notifications to terrorize future Dan in case he was neglecting the list. This might have been necessary if my natural state were lazy and ineffective, but itâs not.
Noâmy natural state is mutually beneficial. I want to do things that benefit people, and when I do things that benefit people they throw money at me. Good business!
Now Iâm no longer running the business I was trying to run with that old to-do listâwhich really was just a place to write down things that conflicted with my core values.
The business I run now is aligned with those core values and, therefore, I donât need a to-do list! I want to do tasks that are aligned with my core values. I wake up at 4am most mornings full of inspiration to get to work.
See how this is incompatible with option âaâ above? As long as youâre trying to whip yourself into shape youâre missing out on a life of natural ease, clarity and abundance.
Iâll admit though, I needed guidance to get from âaâ to âbâ. I extracted value from every teaching and teacher I could get access to.
My core understanding of how to live this life of uninterrupted natural wellbeing was synthesized from deep dives into four disciplinesâ
đč Theravada Buddhism
đč Modern personal development
đč Dzogchen
đč Neuropsychology
This has been the focus of my life since 2016. What Iâve ended up with is a teaching that withstands the scrutiny of all four of those approaches, and itâs this teaching Iâm pleased to share with you below.
If you're ready to dive deeper, âclick here to talk about how I can help you.
How to Live a Life of Natural Wellbeing And Mutual Benefit
Step 1: Get So Quiet You Can Hear Your Heartbeat (Literally And Figuratively)
Thereâs a reason meditation is popular in wisdom traditions, but its usefulness is exaggerated. Hundreds of differing sets of complicated instructions can be found, and they each claim to be the one and only path to enlightenment.
The impression most people get from these instructions is that they must sit cross-legged like a good boy or girl and rack up thousands of hours worth of âenlightenment pointsâ to exchange for a reward in the future.
This is little better than believing in the tooth fairy. It doesnât work. I knowâI did it.
Noâwhat meditation is really about is simply getting quiet.
As long as youâre busy running the old mental scripts you were trained into, youâll be unable to see things as they really are.
Over years experimenting with every meditation technique I could find, I whittled my practice down to the essential aspects found in all of themâ
- Get comfortable in a distraction-free environment
- Relax (accept things as they are), let go (stop wishing things were different), shut the fuck up (stop describing, judging and interpreting things)
- When you notice distraction, tension, clinging, describing, judging, interpreting, acknowledge this noticing as successful practice
- Repeat steps 2 & 3
Thereâs no set time for which to do this. Instead of thinking about duration, find a way to enjoy the practice.
When you enjoy this practice, you'll want to do it.
When you want to do it, you'll do it often.
When you do it often, you'll find tonnes of evidence that wellbeing is your default mode.
It may seem difficult at first, but thatâs only because itâs opposite to the way you were trained to think.
Once you can enjoy this practice without thinking about how long it is, youâll no longer be terrorized by intrusive thinking. Not because you deliberately did anything to transform or suppress your thinking, but because you relaxed.
As you relax, the ways you were trained to terrorize yourself with the mind will lose their charge. As they lose their charge, theyâll show up less and less. Once youâve discovered a little space, youâre ready to move onâŠ
Step 2: Get Crystal Clear to Unlock Peak Effectiveness
When thoughts are coming at you a million miles-per-hour itâs difficult to investigate them. But now that you have some space you can start to contemplate questions likeâ
đč Where did this thought come from?
đč Where does it go?
đč Does it have any real power to make me do anything?
đč Do I have to think it again?
đč If not then why would I?
đč How many times in a day do I think this thought?
đč Is it the same each time, or does it change?
You can replace âthoughtâ with âfeelingâ and run the same questions. You can take this list literally or just as a set of examples.
What youâre doing here is shifting your focus from the content of your thoughts and feelings to the mechanics of your thoughts and feelings. In other words, youâre âzooming outâ and witnessing whatâs going on in yourself (instead of being flung about by it all).
Resist the temptation to create intellectual answers to the questions posed aboveâthat would just create more thinking.
Rather, follow the inquiries in your direct experience. Donât insist on putting your answers into words. Itâs okay if words come, but theyâre not necessary.
Observe. Explore. Investigate. Experiment. Test. And allow your understanding to develop based on whatâs really happening, rather than what you think about whatâs happening.
For example, imagine youâre sat practising and a thought arises:
âIâm not sure the work I was doing earlier is good enough.â
Before mindfulness, youâd likely create further thoughts in reference to that one, spiralling downward into a chain reaction of doubt and self-loathing:
âI used to be so much better at my workâŠâ
âWhat happened to all the talent I had in college?â
âWhat will my boss say about it?â
âFuckâwhat was that other tweak she asked me to make?â
âWhy am I so forgetful?â
âIâve gotta stop drinking in the weekâŠâ
But now you have an alternative. Letâs rewind back to that first thought:
âIâm not sure the work I was doing earlier is good enough.â
Now, instead of continuing an inner monologue, youâre going to âzoom outâ and examine the mechanics of the thought instead of getting seduced by its content.
âWhere did that thought come from?
âI canât really say, it appeared to come from nowhereâŠâ
âWhy did I think it?â
âIâm insecure about my work.â
âIs that insecurity going to help me with the task?â
âNo.â
âShall I disregard the thought?â
âSeems helpfulâŠâ
Play this out across your entire life and youâll witness an insane boost to your effectiveness. But whatâs much more valuable is that this kind of inquiry into the nature of thoughts leads to insight into their lack of power over you. And this insight leads to the acceptance ofâand ease withâall thoughts and feelings.
But weâre not done yetâŠ
Step 3: Bring Your Newfound Peace And Clarity Into The Real World (Where It Matters Most)
An old Taoist master lived on a mountain, where he spent most of his time in meditation. Visitors came from all over China to sit in his calming presence.
One day the masterâs disciples insisted he follow them down the mountain. The political climate was tense, and they feared the master would be killed if he stayed at the monastery.
The master lit one last stick of incense at the shrine, then joined his disciples at the gate. He trekked down the mountain in perfect silence.
Eventually the group arrived at the nearby market town. In the hustle and bustle, a young boy bumped into the master as he ran past.
âWATCH WHERE YOUâRE GOING!â the master exploded in anger, âDONâT YOU KNOW WHO I AM? HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY PEACE!â
The disciples were shocked. In the decades theyâd spent at the monastery, theyâd never seen their master behave this way.
~
âItâs easy enough to float,â said Ram Dass, âbut can you walk without touching the ground?â
In other words, what good is peace and happiness if itâs dependent upon certain conditions?
When asked how to know if someone is truly enlightened, Ziji Rinpoche said itâs very simple: âsomeone whoâs enlightened,â she said âis of benefit.â
Iâm not interested in telling you how to be at peace in a monasteryâthe world needs you in the marketplace.
So this 3rd step is about taking the quietude you realised in step 1, plus the clarity you realised in step 2, and bringing these into all the situations of your life.
Consider a typical breath meditation. In that practice you maintain awareness of your breath, noticing its changes and what you think about itâwhether youâre comfortable or uncomfortable with it; whether you wish it were differentâŠ
Step 3 is about maintaining awareness of everything as if it were your meditation object. (And yesâit may require more sitting practice to become ready for this. But now you have the proper context for doing such practice.)
Of course, some things appear more difficult to accept than othersâan angry boss, for example, seems to demand a fear response. But, actually, that boss would be better served by your remaining calmâeven if you fucked up massively.
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âIâm going to put this right,â you might say, instead of surrendering to fear and trying to avoid your boss in the workplace.
I recommend a gradual approach here. If step 1 and step 2 are going well, try performing those while out walking in a secluded spot. Then try a walk in public. Then try a conversation with a loved one, a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker.
Iâm not suggesting this should go anywhere near as quickly as weâve moved through it all hereâthough the potential does exist for these realisations to occur instantaneously. The only thing in your way is the degree to which you resist the relaxation thatâs the key to everything Iâve written here.
I remember the first times I tried to bring the peace and clarity I was experiencing in sitting practice through to my daily life. It was tough: I struggled to keep my cool in the face of stress and chaos. But as I kept at it, I began to notice a profound shift in how I experienced the world around me. Slowly but surely, things lost their power over me.
For exampleâ
đč I stopped caring about being ârightâ, and instead found I could walk away from emotionally draining arguments
đč I stopped trying to micromanage everything in my life, and started trusting âfuture Danâ to handle whatever challenges came up
đč I stopped feeling desperate for affection like I had my entire life, which improved my dating game by 1000x (it wasnât long after that I met my wife, whoâs by far the best match Iâve ever found)
Now Iâm here to help you experience that same transformation.
Enlightenment: The Ultimate Struggle?
I know this all may sound too good to be true. Youâve had to struggle for everything youâve ever achieved in life, so surely enlightenment must be really difficult?
No. My hope for you reading this newsletter is that youâve been able to grasp the solidity of the argument for that âoption bâ aboveâthe subtractive model for realising ultimate wellbeing.
Should you need more convincing, this is all confirmed by rudimentary neuroscience. Dissatisfaction, distraction, complaint, anxiety are all mental processes which are either running or not running. In other words, theyâre additive; they take place âon topâ of your natural, restful state. These processes only seem to be natural because you were so thoroughly trained into them that they became part of your identity.
Of course, that training was carried out over decades by a large team of family members and schoolteachers who wielded great influence over you. Itâs amazing that we can undo the damage with the 3 steps above.
Iâve seen this 3-step process save lives, get a woman off a 14-year course of antidepressants, give a man courage to leave an abusive relationship and much more.
I recommend trying the 3 steps above to see how you get on with them alone. But you may feel, as I did, that you need guidance.
Iâve got your back.
Click here to tell me where you're at and hear back from me within 24 hours.
Win/win FTW,
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