i used to be needy as hell, which was quite a turnoff for the ladies.

every day i slammed hard against the wall of online dating.

of course, i thought my lack of success meant there was something wrong with me fundamentally, which created a “neediness feedback loop”.

but it turns out most people find online dating a chore. and that’s because, fundamentally, it is (until it isn’t—i’ll get to that).

new hardware, new software, old wetware

“wetware” is a term used to parallel the human brain with computer systems.

computers, as you know, have been developing rapidly. but your brain is mechanically the same as it was 250,000 years ago.

the dynamics of human connection remained basically the same for 249,972 of those years. i.e. it was done face-to-face.

then match.com launched in 1995, spawned Tinder in 2012 and things were never the same again.

if you want a date in 2023 you basically have to learn digital marketing. and the product is yourself.

problem: if you’re like most people you don’t think much of yourself.

roughly 85% of people worldwide (adults and adolescents) have low self-esteem​¹​

if you’ve ever tried to promote a product you don’t believe in you’ll understand why online dating is hard. it’s a very different game to the time-honoured tradition of going out with friends, getting drunk and throwing up on your future wife’s trousers.

so how did i, someone who’d been needy his entire life, end up marrying a psychologist (twice)?

i went on a journey from feeling unworthy of affection, through rigorous personal development to being perfectly happy on my own. and that’s what made me attractive.

but why did i have to go on that journey at all?

codependency: the invisible chain

codependency has become normalized. it’s everywhere. every singer from Whitney Houston to Rihanna to Dave Grohl has sung about needing someone else in order to feel okay.

the model of love presented in classic Disney movies and every romcom ever is based on how the protagonists “can’t live” without one another.

and there’s an ugly reason that so much media portrays this kind of love: everyone relates to it.

timeline of a codependent relationship

a codependent relationship begins with you feeling you’re missing something (which is the condition everyone’s raised into).

so you go on a date and come to believe the person sat opposite you in McDonald’s or Wagamama’s or the Marriott, depending on your budget, can fill the void inside you. (codependency is kind of like the iphone: rich people have it; poor people have it; everyone has it.)

but what’s really happening is simple distraction. social interaction—especially of the intimate kind—releases a potent chemical cocktail in your brain. dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin all peak in a new romance, and each wide-eyed lover forgets they ever had a problem in life.

you like feeling good. so you become dependent upon your new lover in the same way you might be dependent on nicotine. you feel sh!tty on your own, but better with your new partner.

it gets really dangerous when the same dependency is present in your partner, too. this is what the term “codependency” means. and this is almost always the case (because only dependent people are attracted to dependent people).

when you and your partner are fulfilling one another’s needs everything’s fine. but partners don’t tend to do that consistently for very long…

inevitably, one of you has to pick up extra shifts or the other takes a holiday with friends. worse—but still common—one partner begins to lose interest or perhaps even cheats.

but here’s where things get complicated…

because you’re both still living with an underlying sense of lack—because you’ve not “worked on yourselves”—you’re actually not pleasant to live with.

perhaps you have questionable hygiene. perhaps you have toxic relationships with friends. perhaps you’re addicted to video games.

and your partner’s no better.

perhaps they have unresolved trauma. perhaps they complain about their boss a lot. perhaps they get drunk on weeknights.

naturally, you want to keep the good parts of them and change the bad. and they feel the same about you.

you bicker.

you fight.

you break up.

but now what about the void inside that they were filling?

you get back together.

you fight.

you break up.

suddenly it seems Bono from U2 is the only one who understands you when he sings “i can’t live with or without you”. you never even liked that song but now you have it on repeat.

you’re even worse off than before: when you started the relationship you had a void inside. now you have a void inside and a breakup.

like a junkie who can’t get their fix, you feel you’re going to die. or worse, you feel you might want to make it happen yourself.

(if this is you right now, i STRONGLY encourage you to seek support. email me at dan [at] dangoldfield [dot] com if you need someone to talk to, but also establish professional local help.)

99% of people think codependency is the only option

…not even the “experts” really understand.

the usual take is that codependency means “people in a relationship that are bad for each other”. but as you saw above, it’s deeper than that.

it doesn’t help that this is the only kind of romantic relationship in mainstream media.

classic Disney movies were all about that “you complete me” dynamic. the hollywood romcom is built on the premise. and there are far more singers than Bono wailing into the mic as if they just got dumped in the studio.

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown even televised their codependent relationship to fund their well-reported drug habit… which eventually led to her death.

codependency is bad news.

the good news is that there is an alternative. two, actually…

independent and interdependent relationships

“Dependent people need others to get what they want. Independent people can get what they want through their own effort. Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success.”

-Stephen R. Covey (author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

which type of person is most likely to get the success you want?

when i read this, i knew i was only going to be satisfied with interdependent relationships in my life. but this made me aware of how unready i was for them.

i still needed things from other people:

🔹 validation
🔹 affection
🔹 support
🔹 affirmation
🔹 respect

but reading Covey i knew i was only going to be ready for the relationships i wanted once i’d learned to validate myself, love myself, support myself, affirm myself, respect myself. and not in small measure… i’d have to fulfill myself in all these ways to the point that i didn’t need even an ounce of them from anyone else.

so i did.

through a combination of personal development and mindfulness i first became independent, then ready for interdependence.

dating from square 1

once i was ready for the right kind of relationship i knew my old online dating profiles had to go.

previously i’d censored myself in my profiles for fear of missing out on dates. (i wrote about fomo and other mind viruses ​last week.​)

free of that fear, it was obvious that i’d never attract the right partner unless i was completely honest about myself.

within two weeks i met my future wife. we hit it off like i’d never experienced before. it was obvious to us both that we were a perfect match.

we married in 2021 during lockdown, and promised Debbie’s parents we’d marry again with them in calcutta, india. that happened in january this year (2023).

of all the people who’ve married the same person twice (which has gotta be few) we suspect we might be the couple who had the two most different weddings in history. one with 4 guests, one with 400!

Debbie and i live in perfect harmony and we’re aware of how rare and valuable this is. we regularly thank one another for becoming ready for an interdependent relationship before meeting. we even spoke about interdependent relationships on our first date.

but interdependent relationships don’t only show up in romance.

they’re amazing in business, family and friendship too. communication, delegation, perspective and decision-making are all a completely different experience in interdependence than they are in codependence or independence.

i want you to experience this. hell, it’s my mission to help 1 billion and 1 people experience this.

here’s how…

5 relationship tips from a guy who married a psychologist (twice)

if you’ve read this far you might be aware that an interdependent relationship is founded on who you are before you show up to the first date (or interview or dinner at your in-laws).

in other words, when two compatible people who are ready for an interdependent relationship find each other, they don’t need any tips.

so the tips below are really about that great preparation you must make if you want to live in harmony with another human being. they’re about who you need to be (or not be).

follow them in sequence. then when your perfect match walks into your life, you’ll be ready to sweep them off their feet.

i won’t lie: if you’re already in a relationship that’s not interdependent it’ll be harder to do this kind of work on yourself.

integrating this advice will lead to a lot of personal change.

if your relationship is codependent—which, again, most are—then your partner won’t like it when you change.

sadly, i’ve seen lots of relationships end when one partner starts to change for the better. but if your partner doesn’t like you making positive change that tells you everything you need to know about them.

tip #0: mindfulness

TIMEFRAME: ONGOING

if you’ve read my content before you’ll know i’m a mindfulness teacher and you’ll know it was the pivotal practice in transforming my life.

it shows up in every newsletter i write because it makes everything else easy.

and i’m not just talking from personal experience. i’ve seen hundreds of students benefit from it. i’ve seen thousands of peers benefit from it. i’ve seen Ray Dalio and Steve Jobs and Michael Jordan benefit from it.

so here, once again, is the basic practice i recommend. run this daily along with the tips below to make them all smoother, easier and faster.

tip #1: find your “dependency stash”

TIMEFRAME: 2 WEEKS

following your daily mindfulness practice, take out your journal.

pen and paper’s great. a device is fine but you have to be a ninja about dodging distractions.

i recently turned 37. for my birthday Debbie bought me a ​Kindle Scribe​ (affiliate link), which is by far the best journal i’ve ever had. i’ve always preferred digital documents, so having a new kind of device i can read and journal on without artificial light or notifications is game-changing.

you’re going to journal on just one simple, powerful prompt:

what 3 things would you have changed about the past 24 hours and why?

do this 14 days in a row and you’ll learn a lot about what bothers you.

tip #2: redraw your social boundaries

TIMEFRAME: 1 WEEK

most people fall into two categories when it comes to social boundaries.

1. too soft: the moment someone asks them to compromise they flop over like a fish
2. too hard: the moment someone asks them to compromise they snap in anger

it’s not pleasant to live in either of these categories.

you want your boundaries to be strong but flexible, like bamboo.

but first you need to know where they are.

what are you willing to do for people? what do you feel is fair to expect in return? few people ever examine this.

so again, following your daily mindfulness practice, take out your journal.

here’s this week’s prompt:

when did i compromise over the past 24 hours and why?

some compromises are good. i.e. mutually beneficial. for example, i broke my deep work session the other day to drive Debbie to work. not ideal, but there were a string of occurrences that morning that meant it made sense for us as a team.

but many compromises you’ll journal about will be bad. i.e. benefitting someone else at the cost of your time and energy. “unpaid overtime” is the most prevalent example of this. (how “unpaid overtime” is even a thing is beyond me. it’s a paradox—work is meant to be done in exchange for money. overtime is meant to be done exchange for more money.)

as you write on this week’s prompt you’ll recall some compromises you feel okay about and some you don’t. please don’t doubt yourself regarding this.you are the only authority on how your time and energy is spent. you may feel your boss overrules you on this, but you’re choosing to show up to work because you want the paycheck. that’s a compromise you’ve chosen to make.

journalling will help you analyze your boundaries as they are and where you’d prefer them to be.

once you’ve redrawn them, you’ll find this article on ​how to say no​ helpful.

tip #3: join a mastermind group

TIMEFRAME: 1 MONTH

a mastermind group is made up of individuals who come together to discuss goals and challenges they’re facing. they then offer support and advice to encourage personal and professional growth.

the term “mastermind group” was popularized by Napoleon Hill, author of early self-help relic, Think and Grow Rich.

masterminds can be difficult to form, but they’re worth the effort. the internet makes this much easier. head out on social media and look for people who are in a similar stage of life as you are and have similar aspirations, values and ideals.

a mastermind group is often people’s first taste of interdependence. you’ll learn to give and take constructive feedback and see how that creates shared advantage.

tip #4: affirmations

TIMEFRAME: 2 WEEKS

now you’ve done some deep contemplation and started engaging in positive-sum relationships, it’s time for a test.

face yourself in the mirror then read the below list aloud. don’t worry about anyone overhearing. if they’re curious they can ask what you’re doing and maybe they’ll benefit from hearing about it.

🔹 ”i am self-sufficient.”
🔹 ”i am worthy of affection.”
🔹 ”i am attractive.”
🔹 ”i am content.”
🔹 ”i am fulfilled.”
🔹 ”i am strong.”
🔹 ”i am of benefit to others.”

how did you feel when you said these phrases to yourself?

did they feel accurate? or did you feel like you were lying? perhaps you felt somewhere in between.

do this daily over the next 2 weeks and do whatever you feel you must to mean these affirmations when you say them.

tip #5: present yourself authentically

TIMEFRAME: ONGOING

presenting yourself authentically—without censoring yourself or trying to be different—is the only way you’ll ever create truly interdependent relationships.

and it’s made possible by your following the previous tips.

if someone’s not interested in a relationship with you, exactly as you are, then how could that relationship be of a high quality? this goes both ways.

you need to be ready to turn down a relationship with anyone. this isn’t a bad thing. some people are compatible and some aren’t. that’s just how humans are.

compatibility is the jackpot, and you’ll only get a true measure of it when you show up authentically.

rock those tips and watch the quality of your relationships soar. i’d love to hear about your process. if you need help with it, click here.

with love from my sofa,
dg 💙

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¹ ​Jennifer Guttman, Psy.D. - The Relationship With Yourself

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