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In 2015 I was in chronic pain.
That pain was caused by tension.
That tension was caused by stress.
And that stress was caused by my constantly trying to change myself and my circumstances.
I felt, very strongly, that I shouldâve been doing/thinking/feeling some things and NEVER doing/thinking/feeling other things. And Iâd tied my self-worth to these ideas so deeply that I had no idea any of it was even occurringâit was just âhow things wereâ⊠It was just âmeâ.
For example, I spent almost all my weekends working as a musician. Iâd drive hundreds of miles, haul my drums in and out of venues, play very hard and very fast for hours at a time, then return home in the small hours of the morning. Then Iâd feel guilty for being in bed late on a Monday.
Or Iâd feel worthless as a British millennial male who wasnât having casual sex every weekend. I was in denial of the fact that I was, actually, acutely aware of the risksâI could think of nothing worse than getting a stranger pregnant. And I was in denial of the fact that I didnât even want to go there. Iâd always been someone who craved deep connection, but my culture told me that was weak. So I identified as weak; incapable; unattractive.
I stressed over how little money I had; how I wasnât getting all the gigs I wanted; how I couldnât live up to my fatherâŠ
And since youâre a human being, yourself, youâll know that even if I kept giving examples until this post reached 30,000 words, that would still only the tip of the iceberg. We are trained, all of us, to terrorize ourselves with the thinking mind thousands of times per day. And our way of doing this comes down to one simple mental process: judgement.
We donât only judge things âoutsideâ of ourselves, but also âinsideâ of ourselves: we judgeâso quickly that it seems automaticâall of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. And we judge almost all of them to be âbadâ or, in some way, ânot good enoughâ.
How many people do you knowâwho havenât dedicated themselves to spiritual practice or therapyâwho can honestly report that theyâre content in themselves? Of course, we must account for the vast number of people who are in denialâas I wasâand therefore might lie about this. So letâs phrase the question differently: how many people do you know who can sit without stimulation for even 5 minutes? I could barely have made it 30 seconds before I found the teaching I now represent. But when I did, everything changedâŠ
I remember walking through my hometown one night in 2016, shortly after Iâd begun speaking with my first dharma teacher, who lived as a Buddhist monk for 8 years. I was observing my thoughts when, suddenly, a thought occurred in reference to another: âitâs okay to think that, I said to myself. And I really felt it. I accepted the preceding thought as it was. I donât remember what that preceding thought was, but I remember that in the moment I accepted it, it seemed to peel away like a layer of an onion, revealing a deeper, related thought. So I applied the same, âitâs okay to think THAT!â
This went on for perhaps 3 or 4 minutes. Layer after layer of conditioned thinking was âpeeled awayâ in the light of acceptance. I was stunned by how much suppression Iâd been engaging in habitually. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I walked through my familiar neighbourhood, feeling less and less like a product of it and more and more like a guestâno longer bound by the memories Iâd previously attached to the landmarks I passed.
I became aware of the vast amount of energy Iâd been wasting on trying to control my thoughts. And wondered why Iâd ever been so afraid to let them simply run their course. I felt as light as a feather. For the first time I could remember, I was free of stress.
The coolest thing about this, looking back, was that Iâd not engaged in any strict, formal or intensive meditation practice. I had experimented with various techniques, but far more important to the experience I had that night was the insight Iâd been gaining not just through sitting, but through moment-to-moment mindfulness and, importantly, through conversation with my teacher and contemplation of what heâd said. Iâd not attended a single meditation retreat. I did not have a strict regimen of practice. But I was keen: I was dedicated to finding a genuine solution to my problems. And so, on that night in my hometown, I experienced the fruition of my sincere investigations into the nature of mind.
This fruit is available to you too, friend. It is your birthright. Any and all conscious mental processesâgiven that they are, indeed, processesâare optional. It may not seem like theyâre optional, but whether or not you trust me or the millions of practitioners before me or even scienceâwhich is now measuring and confirming what Iâm sharing with you hereâthe most important thing you can do is test what Iâm saying in your direct experience.
Consider: where are you making efforts to approve or reject what occurs, whether âinsideâ or âoutsideâ yourself?
Where are you judging, interpreting, labelling, describing things as âgoodâ or âbadâ?
And did you even choose these judgements yourself? Or are they a product of your culture?
How would it feel if, just for a brief moment, you could rest from all that mental work and just be?
This is the invitation I will make to you again and again. Whether you take me up on it today or tomorrow or in 10 years time, I donât mindâIâll still be here, posting every single day until youâre ready.
With love from my sofa,
dgđ
P.S. If you want to find out where you're at in your spiritual journey right now (and how to take the next step) take my 1-minute quiz.
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